


Five Scenes and a Bonus Scene of the Stupidest Shit You Ever Heard

by LaDemonessa



Series: The "Jen is Pissed" Collection [3]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-23
Updated: 2016-02-23
Packaged: 2018-05-22 18:23:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6089932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaDemonessa/pseuds/LaDemonessa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part of the 'Jen is Pissed' Collection:</p><p>Based on a tumblr post where everyone agrees that this whole ‘Oliver can’t tell anyone about his son’ thing is stupid.</p><p>Enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Scenes and a Bonus Scene of the Stupidest Shit You Ever Heard

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Devouringfoodandstuff](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Devouringfoodandstuff/gifts), [Taurus1978](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taurus1978/gifts), [respboot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/respboot/gifts), [Infie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Infie/gifts), [QueenAeron](https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenAeron/gifts).



> Based on the following Tumblr conversation I pretty much barged my way into like the rude bitch I am:  
> blackgirlmonopoly  
> this whole ‘oliver can’t tell anyone about his son’ thing is so stupid. like i know they’re just doing it as a plot device to drive him and felicity apart but like, there’s really no reason he can’t just tell felicity and only felicity, and make sure she tells no one else….  
> kajunblueyes  
> This is exactly what my husband and I have been saying. It’s just dumb. @queencanaries this is what clearly makes zero sense to me!  
> kajunblueyes  
> Also, it really angers me that people say Felicity has no right to know??? Like what? Have these people NEVER been in a healthy relationship? These are NOT things you keep from each other! If she is going to spend the rest of her life with him, don’t you think it is her business to know she’s going to have a step-son? Whether or not she can get to know him (because in Samantha’s eyes she wouldn’t know) or not is irrelevant. YOU DON’T KEEP THESE THINGS FROM YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER! Of you promise to love and cherish someone for the rest of your life, excuse the hell out of me, but it is her business to know!
> 
> What I find laughable is how people can even consider saying something this ignorant? The only conclusion I have to that is that maybe they are young? Maybe the people saying this, have never really been in a serious, healthy relationship? Maybe they only know of a real relationship because of some stupid idea that they have? I don’t know, and I’m seriously not trying to be hateful here, but that is some of the stupidest shit I have ever heard.
> 
> I agreed, which is why I wrote this. 
> 
> To my old bats and young bitches who like it when Oliver suffers, and to the folks on Tumblr, especially blackgirlmonopoly, kajunblueyes, and wannabe-geek42.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> \---Jen

                                                                                          

 

Five Scenes and a Bonus Scene of the Stupidest Shit You Ever Heard

By JA Ingram

 

 

SCENE ONE:

 

The night after the wedding, our couple is in bed together, chests still heaving from a passionate encounter.

 

 

OLIVER: (smiles down at wifey while running his hand down her arm) I think I’ll make us some breakfast. The eggs I put in the slow cooker should be–

 

FELICITY: (grabs Oliver, face infused with guilt) Wait!

 

OLIVER: (concerned) What? Is something wrong? Is it the implant? Are you in pain?

 

FELICITY: No, no! Nothing like that!  It’s just that…(licks lips nervously) There’s something I need to tell you and I should’ve told you before the wedding but–

 

OLIVER: (chuckling) Slow down, honey, what is it?

 

FELICITY: (deep breath) Okay, okay…(tense moment of silence) I don’t like eggs.

 

OLIVER: (frowning) What?

 

FELICITY: Specifically, I don’t like them done in the slow cooker. I know I should’ve said something before now (said hurriedly), but you worked so hard on that, but, the truth is, I just like mine scrambled.

 

OLIVER: Scrambled.

 

FELICITY: (nods) With a slice of the plastic covered cheese that you say will give us cancer if we keep buying it. (gives him a wide-eyed doe-in-headlights look) I’m sorry, I know it has GMO’s and hormones, and is an unnatural orange color, but it tastes *so* good, and I grew up with my mom putting Velveeta all over everything. I mean, you’ve eaten her cooking so my body is kind of used to–

 

OLIVER: (chuckles) It’s okay, honey. It’s no big deal.

 

FELICITY: (hopefully) Really?

 

OLIVER: (nods) Yeah, I mean if you like your eggs scrambled, then I’ll make yours scrambled; it’s okay.

 

FELICITY: (breathes a sigh of relief) I was so afraid that you’d be angry about me keeping this massive secret from you all this time and then marrying you without telling you. I mean, this entire time it’s felt like we had this massive thing hanging over our heads. Every time we sat down to breakfast I just felt so terrible about it, like it was eating at me, and I didn’t know how to tell you.

 

OLIVER: It’s okay (says soothingly) All married couples have a few small secrets from each other. It’s normal and we’re okay.

 

FELICITY: Really?

 

OLIVER: Yeah, it’s okay. It’s fine.

 

FELICITY: (smiles beatifically) Okay, so, do you have any secrets?

 

OLIVER: A few.

 

FELICITY: (sympathetically) About the island?

 

OLIVER: No, I’ve pretty much told you all of that.

 

FELICITY: Oh. (frowns)

 

OLIVER: It’s just some little stuff, kind of like your egg thing. It’s no big deal.

 

FELICITY: Oh? (looks curious) Is this about the toothpaste? Because we can switch brands. I can get used to Crest.

 

OLIVER: No.

 

FELICITY: You don’t like the bodywash I put in the shower? I tried getting something more masculine for you which is why I picked the one that said ‘Ocean Breeze’ instead of ‘Jasmine Fields’, but I can get you something else.

 

OLIVER: (getting out of bed and throwing on old man saggy boxers which completely disappointed the vast majority of his female fans when they saw them hanging off his otherwise sculpted butt) No, the bodywash is fine.

 

FELICITY: (sitting up in bed) What is it then?

 

OLIVER: (from doorway) Oh, uh, turns out I have a kid and my mom paid off the mother not to tell me about him.

 

FELICITY: (flatly) What?

 

OLIVER: (shrugging) Yeah, I found out about it months ago and I’ve been sneaking off to visit him without telling you. Oh, and everybody else already knows about him except you. Like I said, no biggie. (offers a bright grin) So scrambled?

 

FELICITY: …

 

OLIVER: Hon; scrambled?

 

FELICITY: …

 

OLIVER: Hon?

 

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SCENE TWO: (Felicity walking down to breakfast a few weeks after the wedding and sees a boy around 10 or so sitting at her table eating slow cooked eggs)

 

FELICITY: Um, hi?

 

BOY: Hi.

 

FELICITY: (approaches cautiously) Um, what are you doing?

 

BOY: Eating breakfast.

 

FELICITY: Oh, uh…I meant, why are you eating breakfast here?

 

BOY: Because my mom dropped me off.

 

FELICITY: Uh huh. And why did she drop you off here?

 

BOY: Because my dad’s got visitation this weekend.

 

FELICITY: Oh, okay, and your dad is…?

 

BOY: I don’t know where he is actually. (calls out) DAD! There’s some weird lady asking questions in your kitchen.

 

OLIVER: (emerging from pantry) Weird lady? (sees Felicity) Oh, good morning, hon. Sleep well? (places sugary pop cereal on table in front of boy)

 

FELICITY: (shell shocked) Um, that’s my cereal. Why are you feeding some strange boy my cereal? More importantly, why is some strange boy calling you dad?

 

OLIVER: Oh, well, I figured you wouldn’t mind if Will had a bowl or two.

 

FELICITY: Will?

 

OLIVER: Yeah, my son.

 

WILL: (waves absently as he pours cereal into his bowl) Hi.

 

OLIVER: I told you about him, right?

 

Yeah….

 

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SCENE THREE:

 

FELICITY: Oliver?

 

OLIVER: Yeah, hon?

 

FELICITY: Why would you not tell me you had a child? I mean, you asked me to marry you.

 

OLIVER: Yeah, and?

 

FELICITY: And you asked me to marry you. (looks at him pointedly) You knew you had a son and you asked me to marry you after you found out about him and didn’t tell me.

 

OLIVER: (frowns) I’m still not…?

 

FELICITY: OLIVER! (tightens lips) You found out you had a son, kept it a secret, then asked me to marry you, and never told me about it!

 

OLIVER: And? (clueless)

 

FELICITY: (rubbing bridge of nose) And don’t you think you should’ve told me about it at some point?

 

OLIVER: Well, no.

 

FELICITY: Why not?

 

OLIVER: Oh, uh, Samantha asked me not to.

 

FELICITY: She asked you not to?

 

OLIVER: Uh huh.

 

FELICITY: The woman who you had a one night stand with back in college, the woman who knowingly cheated with you on Laurel and then lied to you about having a miscarriage, the same woman who accepted two million dollars from your mother–and, yeah, it wasn’t a million dollars, it was two–then kept your son from you for a decade, asked you to lie to your fiancee who has stood by your side for the last four years and whom you plan on spending the rest of your life with and you just did it? No second thoughts, no hesitation; you decided that this was information I didn’t need so you kept this from me?

 

OLIVER: Well, first off, I didn’t lie, per se; I just didn’t tell you. Secondly, what difference does it make?

 

FELICITY: (flatly) What?

 

OLIVER: I mean, if you had known I had a son, you still would’ve married me, right?

 

FELICITY: Yes, but–!

 

OLIVER: (following the cue of the Lollipop Snowflake Brigade who ‘trust the writers) Then what difference does it make?

 

FELICITY: (angrily) It makes a lot of difference!

 

OLIVER: How?

 

FELICITY: Oliver, you kept the fact that you have a child from me! What? Did you think I’d never find out? That I wouldn’t notice some strange kid in our family pictures? That some strange boy was sitting at our breakfast table, or that our kids would come home talking about visiting their big brother in Central City? This is information I needed to know!

 

OLIVER: But why? You know, you’re being very selfish right now.

 

FELICITY: Excuse me?

 

OLIVER: (nodding to the tune of ‘Be Happy And Trust The Writers Because Olicity Is Endgame’ as hummed by the Lollipop Snowflake Brigade) Yeah, you are. Plus, I mean, your job is to basically prop me up emotionally and enable me by making me feel good about all of my manpain bullshit. I mean, you’re not being a very good wife or girlfriend right now.

 

FELICITY: (hisses) What?

 

OLIVER: Yeah. (snort) I mean, I’m a good looking superhero here and all you do is run a company, support the mission financially, do all kinds of techie things, and save my ass every May after I get myself into trouble due to the fact that I keep secrets from my team. I mean, I’m the important one in this relationship! After all, the show is called ‘Arrow’, not ‘Felicity’ (gives her a patronizing look). Besides, you lied, too. Remember the thing about having email in Bali? (hums triumphantly) I think this makes us even now, don’t you? 

 

❤◦.¸¸. ◦✿ ❤◦.¸¸. ◦✿  ❤◦.¸¸. ◦✿❤◦.¸¸. ◦✿❤◦.¸¸. ◦✿ ❤◦.¸¸. ◦✿ 

 

SCENE FOUR:

 

FELICITY: So let me get this straight.

 

OLIVER: (hums) Hmm?

 

FELICITY: So Barry knows you have a son?

 

OLIVER: Yeah, he was the first one I told actually.

 

FELICITY: And so his team knows you have a son?

 

OLIVER: Well, I don’t know about that. Caitlyn maybe since I asked Barry to run the DNA for me but he might have done it himself. I didn’t ask.

 

FELICITY: (counts to ten) So Barry, possibly Caitlyn, and who else?

 

OLIVER: Oh, uh, Malcolm.

 

FELICITY: Malcolm?

 

OLIVER: (shrugs) Yeah, well, he was Ra’s al Ghul.

 

FELICITY: Malcolm; the man who slept with your mother, neglected and abandoned his own child, tried to kill you multiple times, murdered 503 people in cold blood including his own son, mindraped your sister and turned her into a killer, murdered your ex-girlfriend–

 

OLIVER: Well, technically he made up for that after he helped resurrect her.

 

FELICITY: (offers him a dirty look) MURDERED your ex-girlfriend by using your sister as a weapon, videoed it as blackmail material, who threatened to expose your sister to Ra’s al Ghul as Sara’s killer unless you went on a suicide mission to save his cowardly ass–THAT Malcolm knew about William, and I didn’t.

 

OLIVER: Well, like I said, he is–

 

FELICITY: Ra’s al Ghul, I got that, yeah. (inhales sharply and tightens lips in aggravation) The same Ra’s al Ghul whose hand you cut off and whose ring you gave to Nyssa?

 

OLIVER: Yeah, well, yeah.

 

FELICITY: And then who promptly turned around and told Damian Darhk.

 

OLIVER: Yeah, but I had no way of knowing he was going to do that. I mean, (huffs) who would’ve ever guessed Malcolm would betray me like that?

 

FELICITY: (nods slowly) Right. Who else?

 

OLIVER: Well, there’s the investigator who uncovered the information for the campaign–don’t know his name though, possibly Alex, but he hasn’t said yet. Oh, and Thea.

 

FELICITY: Thea?

 

OLIVER: Yeah, but it’s okay though. Thea said I was right to keep it a secret since the mother of my child asked me not to say anything.

 

FELICITY: Thea said that?

 

OLIVER: Yeah.

 

FELICITY: Thea? The same woman who basically let Isabel take all of your money because she was pissed that you and Moira kept the fact that Malcolm was her father from her, who broke up with Roy over it, and who then ran to Malcolm who mind raped her and made her a killer, said it’s okay to keep huge secrets from the people you love?

 

OLIVER: Uh huh.

 

FELICITY: And you thought this was good advice?

 

OLIVER: (looks at her archly) Well, I mean, if anyone would know, it’s her, right?

 

SCENE FIVE:

 

DIGGLE: (looking at a groggy Oliver) Spent the night in the Lair, huh? Felicity kick you out?

 

OLIVER: (rubbing eyes wearily) Yeah.

 

DIGGLE: So what did you do?

 

OLIVER: What makes you think I did anything?

 

DIGGLE: (looks at him pointedly)

 

OLIVER: (sighs) Okay, fine; I didn’t tell her something and now she’s pissed.

 

DIGGLE: What was it?

 

OLIVER: Nothing! (huffs) I mean, it wasn’t *nothing*, but it was no big deal. She’s just blowing it completely out of proportion, you know?

 

DIGGLE: Yeah, well, women do that sometimes, man. It’s all part of being married. So what did you do?

 

OLIVER: Like I said, it was nothing. It was just (sighs), I found something out and didn’t tell her even though a bunch of other people already know about it and now she’s threatening to leave me.

 

DIGGLE: (concerned) Damn, man, that doesn’t sound like nothing to me.

 

OLIVER: Well, she’s been kind of moody lately what with her mom living with us and the wheelchair thing. (grimaces) It’ll all blow over soon enough.

 

DIGGLE: You think?

 

OLIVER: Oh yeah, (shrugs). Felicity will burn hot for a day or so and then she’ll apologize to me for losing her temper and it’ll all be fine. Some hot make-up sex, a nice plate of slowcooked eggs, and she’ll be back to normal.

 

DIGGLE: You’re probably right.

 

OLIVER: Yeah, I mean, she’s my endgame. (looks at him sincerely) We’ve weathered worse than this. It was just a stupid little fight over nothing. She’ll be fine.

 

DIGGLE: Absolutely. (nods) So what did you do; leave the toilet seat up? Because Lyla once fell in after I did that and she literally pulled a gun on me and said she’d shoot my ass if I ever did it again.

 

OLIVER: No, nothing that big.

 

DIGGLE: Did you forget to take out the garbage? Because I got busy and forgot and we got fruit flies. I still haven’t heard the end of that one.

 

OLIVER: (grimaces in disgust) Oh, no! No, I make sure to take out the garbage once a day whether the can is full or not. You didn’t take out the garbage?

 

DIGGLE: (chagrined) Well, I was busy and tired so I forgot. So not the garbage then?

 

OLIVER: No.

 

DIGGLE: Did you drink out of the milk jug? Because Lyla caught me doing that and she made me buy a new gallon.

 

OLIVER: Dude!

 

DIGGLE: What? There was only a swallow left in the jug anyway! (flushes) Okay, so what ‘big thing’ did you do to piss off Felicity?

 

OLIVER: Like I said, it was nothing. At least nothing as big as the crap you did. (shakes head) No wonder Lyla divorced you once before.

 

DIGGLE: (offers him a guilty look) I made up for it. Anyway, so what did you do? Forget to pick up the dry cleaning; what?

 

OLIVER: (sighs) No, I did that.

 

DIGGLE: What then?

 

OLIVER: Oh, I got some girl pregnant when I was twenty who my mom paid off to say had a miscarriage, found out about it months ago, then didn’t tell her about it even though our friends, family, and archenemies all found out about it on their own.. Like I said, no biggie.

 

DIGGLE: …

 

OLIVER: What? She’s totally overreacting, right?

 

DIGGLE: You poor dumb bastard.

 

(The film suddenly stills as an attractive woman in glasses and hipster clothing pops up from behind the curtain)

 

wannabe-geek42: *ahem* Sorry to interrupt, but we, the Olicity fandom as a whole, would like to offer the following correction:

 

*DIGGLE: *beats the absolute crap out of him*

 

JEN: Oh yeah. Gimme a minute. (cracks knuckles before typing once more)

 

(The film restarts and we see an irate Diggle walloping the hell out of Oliver with a pair of eskrima sticks.)

 

DIGGLE: AND THAT”S (smack) FOR MAKING A REMARK (smack-smack) ABOUT ME NOT TAKING OUT THE GARBAGE (smack-smack-pow!) MOTHERFUCKER!

 

BONUS SCENE:

 

Oliver shifts nervously from foot to foot as Felicity, Samantha, and Laurel all stare at him like he’s a bug ripe for squishing.

 

OLIVER: So, uh, you ladies aren’t going to start pulling each other’s hair or, you know, calling each other names or anything, right?

 

The women all narrow their eyes at him in a mixture of annoyance and confusion.

 

FELICITY: Why the hell would we start pulling each other’s hair and calling each other names?

 

OLIVER: (looking between the three of them in confusion) You know, because you’re all feeling a little insecure because all three of you want me but only one of you can have me. (silence) You know, because usually this is the point in fanfic where you (looks to Felicity) start getting jealous then question whether or not you’re good enough for me, you (looks to Laurel) become a major bitch and remind me of how I ruined your life while secretly thinking that I’m your soulmate then go nuts and try to kill Felicity, and you (looks to Samantha) try to make a play for me again since you’ve never gotten over me and think we should be together for the sake of our son before attempting to emotionally blackmail me into leaving Felicity by threatening to withhold visitation?

 

The women all exchange glances before bursting into peals of laughter.

 

LAUREL: (wryly) Please tell me you’re joking.

 

OLIVER: (scratching head in confusion) Uh, no?

 

FELICITY: (rolling eyes) Oy vey (muttering as she shakes her head), that is the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard in my life. First off, I don’t think I’m good enough for you? Uh, no.

 

OLIVER: But you were jealous over Sara and me, remember?

 

FELICITY: I wasn’t jealous of Sara because she had you, I was worried because it felt like my skillset was no longer valuable to the team and about the fact that you were being a complete asshat towards me. Since everyone knows that you tend to run from emotional conflict, I figured my days were numbered—that’s all. I was never ‘jealous’ because the two of you were dating.

 

LAUREL: Yeah, Ollie, catch up. Besides, even if Felicity had a crush on you back then, Sara might have been sleeping with you but she was still in love with Nyssa, and knowing your history with women, it was only a matter of time before the whole thing imploded anyway.

 

FELICITY: Exactly. Plus, I’m the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, a billionaire in my own right, I fund your mission, I’m a tech genius, and I’ve dated most of the hot superheroes on this show and all of its spin-offs.

 

LAUREL: Plus she’s hot as fuck.

 

FELICITY: (looking touched) Thank you so much.

 

LAUREL: You’re welcome. By the way, cute shoes. I have a dress those would go perfect with.

 

FELICITY: (looks down) You think? You can borrow them if you like.

 

LAUREL: Aw, that’s so sweet!

 

OLIVER: What’s—I don’t—what’s happening here?

 

FELICITY: What do you mean?

 

OLIVER: I mean, the three of you are being all nice to each other; where is the catfighting? The screaming? The part where you call each other sluts and smack each other across the face?

 

LAUREL: (gives him a disgusted look) What?

 

FELICITY: (enraged) Oliver, seriously?!?

 

SAMANTHA: God, you’re a total pig, you know that? (looking equally disgusted with him) What? Do you want us to wrestle in a pool full of mud, too?

 

OLIVER: (confused) So no to the catfighting then?

 

LAUREL: (flatly) No.

 

OLIVER: But you all want me. You want me bad—all of you!

 

FELICITY: (closes eyes as she looks towards the heavens for strength) Oh. My. God.

 

SAMANTHA: Ollie (shaking her head incredulously), why the hell would I still want you?

 

OLIVER: Well, because we had amazing sex that resulted in our son and, like I said, you want us to be a family.

 

FELICITY: (turns to Samantha in apology) I’m so sorry, he’s not usually this delusional.

 

LAUREL: (crosses arms and snorts) He isn’t?

 

SAMANTHA: (waving her off) It’s okay, I’ve met him, remember?

 

OLIVER: So you don’t want to get back together with me for the sake of our son’s happiness?

 

SAMANTHA: No.

 

OLIVER: (dubiously) Really?

 

SAMANTHA: Really. (taking a deep breath) Ollie, think about it: Why in the hell would I wait ten years  then avoid telling you William was your son if I was so desperate to keep ‘our family’ together? Plus, FYI, William was happy long before you showed back up. Believe it or not, single mothers can raise happy, healthy children despite the fact that we’re girls and therefore are incapable of taking care of ourselves without someone with a penis there to tell us what to do. Oh, and, uh, no offense, but the ‘amazing’ sex we had that led to the conception of our son wasn’t all that great. It certainly wasn’t good enough that I would spend the next decade hung up on you.

 

OLIVER: (gaping) What? You didn’t like the sex?

 

LAUREL: (as an aside to Felicity) Notice the sarcasm about the single mother thing flew right over his head.

 

FELICITY: I did notice that, yes.

 

SAMANTHA: (raising an eyebrow) Ollie, you were drunk while rolling on Molly and when you came—before me, I might add—you yelled ‘Geronimo’, then giggled before collapsing on top of me and falling asleep. In addition to knocking me up that night, I woke up covered in blacklight paint with a case of the crabs and a hickey the size of Texas and I didn’t even have an orgasm to show for it. It was probably the worst sexual experience of my entire life.

 

OLIVER: (blinking) Really?

 

SAMANTHA: Yeah. (huffs) So much so that, yeah, I did give up on sex for a while but that was mostly because I had other things to worry about, like, say, raising a kid on my own while your bitch mother had investigators following me around and taking pictures of me. Trust me, the last thing I want to do after everything you and your family put me through is hook up with you again. Besides, I mostly just date women now so…

 

OLIVER: (shocked) You’re gay?

 

SAMANTHA: (wrinkling nose) I don’t like to label it. If I had to though I’d say I was bisexual but I prefer the Kinsey scale. I feel it’s more accurate. (turns to the other ladies) I’m a five, BTW. Ollie was pretty much a one off. (grimaces) What can I say; it was college. (shrugs) Besides, I’ve always been into soft butches and Ollie had that whole Prince Valiant hairdo thing going for him so it wasn’t that much of a stretch. Until the actual sex; then he definitely showed he was all man.

 

OLIVER: (perking up slightly) Thanks.

 

SAMANTHA: (wryly) That wasn’t a compliment.

 

FELICITY: (sympathetically) We’ve all been there, trust me.

 

LAUREL: (snorting) Literally. And, by the way, the ‘Geronimo’ thing? That happened a lot more often than I’d care to admit.

   

FELICITY: (chagrined) No comment.

 

OLIVER: Okay, but what about the rest of you? You still want me, right?

 

LAUREL: Talk about the perfect time to recite the Serenity Prayer. (turning to Felicity) I know he’s your boyfriend now, but is it okay if I start?

 

FELICITY: (grimacing) First off, I dumped his ass so he’s not my boyfriend anymore. Secondly, be my guest.

 

OLIVER: (giving her a disapproving look) You didn’t ‘dump’ me, we’re just on a break until you get your head together, remember?

 

SAMANTHA: No, I’m pretty sure she dumped you. (turns to Felicity) You dumped him, right?

 

FELICITY: Yup.

 

OLIVER: But--!

 

LAUREL: (stepping forward with a deadly smile) Ollie.

 

OLIVER: (swallowing nervously) Yeah?

 

LAUREL: (offering him a brittle smile before stepping forward and brushing a piece of lint off the front of his armor) While I can’t speak for Felicity, I can say with absolute certainty that I don’t want you anymore. I stopped wanting you a long time ago. In fact, you’re no longer my type—at all—so why the hell would I get into a catfight with two other grown women over who gets to ‘have’ you? What is this, high school?

 

FELICITY: I didn’t even do that crap in high school. Then again, I graduated when I was thirteen, so…

 

OLIVER: (frowning) Wait, I’m not your type anymore?

 

SAMANTHA: (wryly) Hello, clue bus? Party of one.

 

LAUREL: (giving him a pitying look) No, Ollie, you’re not. Haven’t you been paying attention? I’ve been eye fucking Nyssa for months now.

 

OLIVER: (mouth hanging open in shock) Huh? Wait, you’re gay, too? Since when?

 

NYSSA: Since me. (stepping out of shadows to turn to Oliver with a smug expression) Husband.

 

OLIVER: Nyssa? Where--? I thought you left town!

 

NYSSA: (stepping up to Laurel and wrapping a possessive arm around her waist) Why would I leave town? After all, I finally found something more important to me than becoming Ra’s al Ghul, isn’t that right, beloved?

 

LAUREL: (smiling heart-eyes) Yup.

 

OLIVIER: But-but-but—(looks between them in shock) But you’re supposed to be in love with Sara and Laurel is supposed to be hung up on me because she thinks we’re destined to be together!

 

NYSSA:  (smirking) I will always love Sara, but she chose to end our relationship and pursue her own destiny. Meanwhile, I chose to do the same and take my former beloved’s advice and move on to something and someone who brings light into my life instead of darkness. (gives Laurel a loving look) Laurel is that light. She gave me the strength to rise above my father’s teachings and become my own person.

 

LAUREL: (more heart-eyes) Aww! That’s so sweet, pooh bear. Thank you. (turns to Oliver) And as for me being hung up on you; Ollie, you cheated on me with dozens of women, slept with my sister, got another girl pregnant while we were dating—(throws Samantha and apologetic look) Sorry, no offense.

 

SAMANTHA: (waving her off) No problem.

 

LAUREL: (turning back to Oliver) Slept with me then took off for five months leaving me to pick up the pieces of my life after Tommy, the man we both betrayed, died. You then treated me like a stranger, slept with my sister *again*, showed up at my apartment uninvited and forced me to endure the family dinner from hell where I was expected to pretend to be okay with you and Sara’s relationship, told me you had nothing left for me, refused to help or train me when my sister died, even now, you continually treat me like a non-entity, and your go-to attitude towards me is usually either that of an overbearing asshole or a whipped puppy who acts like I’m the bad guy when you’re the one who screwed up *my* entire life. I’m sorry to have to pop that denial bubble you’re obviously still living in, but I’m in an actual adult relationship now with someone who, yeah, might have been a slightly obsessive assassin who used to be involved with my sister, but A) Sara and I have always had the same taste in men—and women apparently. And B) She actually listens to me, respects me, and cares about my emotional well-being, not to mention the fact that the sex is incredible.

 

NYSSA: (preening slightly) Thank you, beloved.

 

LAUREL: You’re welcome, huggy bear. (turns to Oliver) Why would I choose to leave the first healthy relationship I’ve ever been in in order to get back together with you of all people? Who in their right mind would do something like that? Why?

 

OLIVER: (dumbfounded) Um, I don’t know; because we have a history?

 

SAMANTHA: (snorts then gestures apologetically) Sorry.

 

FELICITY: (hiding face in hands) I am so embarrassed for you right now.

 

LAUREL: (arching an eyebrow at him) Yes, Ollie, we do have a history; a bad history, one that plays out like an overwrought telenovela. The only thing that would make it worse is if the devil showed up to possess people and you turned out to have an evil identical twin brother.

 

OLIVER: (shifting stance) Well, I mean, there was Constantine and the whole Pit bloodlust thing…

 

LAUREL: Sorry, Ollie, but that show got cancelled a long time ago. (gives Nyssa a toothy grin) These days I’m more into exploring my inner L-Word.  

 

NYSSA: (offers her a toothy grin)

 

OLIVER: (sputtering) But what does she have that I don’t?

 

NYSSA: (opens mouth to reveal an unusually large tongue which she then twists into an intriguing and seemingly impossible shape)

 

SAMANTHA: (impressed) Nice.

 

LAUREL: (grinning) I am a very happy girl.

 

NYSSA: (draping an arm around her) Damn right, she is.

 

OLIVER: (flushing) Well, that’s okay because Olicity is endgame and the only woman I want is Felicity, and the only man she’ll ever love is me; right, honey? (silence) Honey?

 

FELICITY: (offering him a pitying look) I mean, I do love you Oliver and I always will, but…

 

OLIVER: (blinking incredulously) But?

 

FELICITY: It’s just…I’ve kind of moved on.

 

OLIVER: (gaping at her) Moved on?

 

FELICITY: (offering him a sympathetic look) Yeah.

 

OLIVER: With who? (pauses) Wait, you’re not gay now, too, are you? Because we can work around that. I’m perfectly fine with sharing if that’s what you want. I’d even be willing to entertain the thought of a threesome if you were open to that.

 

NYSSA: Like no bisexual or lesbian woman has ever heard that one before.

 

LAUREL: Seriously.

 

SAMANTHA: (dryly) Yeah, how big of you to offer to make that sacrifice for the woman you love.

 

Laurel, Nyssa, and Samantha all roll their eyes at that knowingly.

 

FELICITY: (chuckling) Yeah, um, no. Besides, I’m still into guys—mostly. I mean, I did go to college and then there was that threesome with Nyssa and Sara right after the thing with Slade—

 

OLIVER: (stunned) What?

 

FELICITY: (pursing lips) I told you about that, right?

 

NYSSA: Felicity Smoak, Class of ’69 (offering her a bawdy wink and a nod)

 

FELICITY: But back to the subject at hand: No, I’m not with a woman at the moment; the person I’m with is all man, thank you. Speaking of…

 

Batman emerges from the shadows to wrap a possessive arm around her waist.

 

OLIVER: (red faced) Wait, you’re leaving me for *that guy*?!?

 

BATMAN: Why wouldn’t she? (offers Felicity a heated look before grinning triumphantly towards Oliver) After all, Queen, everyone knows you’re just a Batman knock-off anyway, so when she had the opportunity to go for the real deal, she took it.

 

FELICITY: (gives him a lust-filled look) Yeah, I did.

 

OLIVER: (indignant) Felicity!

 

FELICITY: Sorry. (offers him an apologetic look even though her hand is currently resting on another man’s ass)

 

OLIVER: I can’t believe this.

 

LAUREL: Believe it.

 

NYSSA: Really, husband; you should’ve seen this coming. After all, Barry did reveal to you that in the future Smoak Technology is an independent company and Queen Inc will merge with Wayne Enterprises. It’s not that great of a leap to assume that the two of them would meet at some point.

 

OLIVER: (does a double take) Wait, how do you know about that?

 

FELICITY: Well, she was Ra’s al Ghul.

 

LAUREL: Not to mention the fact that I told her about it.

 

OLIVER: You revealed our team’s secrets to Nyssa?

 

LAUREL: It’s called ‘communicating’, Ollie. It’s what people in healthy relationships do.

 

SAMANTHA: Besides, have you seen that guy (points to Bruce as played by Richard Armitage because fuck Batfleck)? Just standing next to him has me feeling my inner straight girl right now. Seriously, damn girl; way to go. (gives Felicity a high five)

 

FELICITY: Thanks.

 

Batman’s grin widens at that.

 

FELICITY: So, yeah; sorry, Oliver. (turns to Bruce) Ready to go, hon?

 

BATMAN: Absolutely, baby. I’ll just call the tumbler and we’ll head on out.

 

OLIVER: (scowling darkly) The ‘tumbler’?

 

FELICITY: (grinning hugely) Yeah, it’s awesome!

 

BATMAN: (gives Oliver a superior look) That’s right, Queen. You might have a motorcycle and a Lair, but I have a Batcave, a Batcycle, a Batplane, a Batsubmarine, and a Batmobile which is basically an armored tank, plus my cape acts as a hang glider allowing me to fly. (grinning smugly) Chicks dig that sort of thing.

 

FELICITY: (biting lip and humming while rubbing her hands over his chest) Hmm, yeah they do.

 

OLIVER: (scandalized) Felicity!

 

FELICITY: (flushes) What? He has tech, Oliver! Like really, really great tech and you know how I feel about tech. Besides, his Batcave is so…(gives Batman a heated look) big.

 

OLIVER: What?!?

 

BATMAN: Yeah, a lot bigger than your little (pauses to look him over as he palms Felicity’s ass) Lair.

 

OLIVER: (flushing darkly) I’ll have you know that it’s plenty big! Above average anyway. (looks between the women uncertainly) Right?

 

Instead of answering him, Laurel, Felicity, and Nyssa move off towards the Batmobile together with Batman as Oliver gapes at them.

 

OLIVER: But-but-but you can’t leave! Felicity, we’re the endgame, remember? Olicity is the endgame!

 

FELICITY: (glancing over her shoulder at him) Yeah, no, sorry! I’m more into the whole Batlicity thing now. It was fun though. Well, except for the part where you lied to me, pushed me away continually, then basically treated me like my only function was to enable your manpain bullshit. Anyway, bye!

 

LAUREL: Yeah, bye Ollie! Have fun covering your own ass for a while since I’m a completely unnecessary part of your team and all. Nyssa and I are moving to Gotham with Felicity and Bruce to start up the Birds of Prey together.

 

NYSSA: Yes, do feel free to stop by anytime you’re in town, husband.

 

LAUREL: (pulling a face) Just…call first.

 

OLIVER: (shellshocked) Oh-kay…

 

SAMANTHA: (patting Oliver on the shoulder) I’ll see you next weekend for your visitation with Will. Oh, and, um, bring a check. (wrinkles nose as she heads towards her minivan) Remember, you have about ten years of back child support to catch up on!

 

The rest of the group all crowd into the Batmobile without sparing him another look.

 

LAUREL: I call shotgun!

 

NYSSA: Mind if I drive?

 

Batman tosses her the keys as he places a teasing kiss on the end of Felicity’s nose.

 

BATMAN: Be my guest. I think the future Mrs. Wayne and I could use some back seat time, don’t you, darling?

 

FELICITY: Absolutely!

 

As the tumbler peals off into the distance leaving Oliver in the dust, he stares after them forlornly.

 

OLIVER: But-but—my endgame.

 

Diggle, Thea, and Curtis all join him to stare after the tumbler as it drives off into the night.

 

CURTIS: Was that really Batman? Awesome!

 

DIGGLE: Yeah, I love that guy! (shrugs as Oliver gives him a wounded look) What? Like you don’t? Who doesn’t love Batman? Dude, he’s fucking Batman!

 

THEA: Yeah, I’d hit that so hard.

 

CURTIS: Me, too, honey.

 

OLIVER: (glares at his team) Seriously?

 

CURTIS: Sorry, man.

 

THEA: Oh, and speaking of apologies, I meant to tell you that the other day when I told you it was okay to keep secrets from Felicity…the truth is that dad stopped by and hit me up with some more of that mindcontrol stuff so you should just disregard everything I said.

 

OLIVER: (flatly) What?

 

THEA: (offering him a sympathetic look) Yeah, sorry.

 

DIGGLE: Yeah, I mean, you really should’ve known that was coming, man. After all, you did cut the guy’s hand off and take away his ring.

 

CURTIS: And he did try to murder you like a million times.

 

DIGGLE: True dat.

 

THEA: Plus, why would I ever tell someone to keep a child a secret from their family? (chuckles incredulously) Seriously? Me? Can you even imagine?

 

CURTIS: (shaking head) Not really, no, and I barely even know you people.

 

DIGGLE: Like I said, you should’ve seen that coming from a mile away.

 

OLIVER: (staring off into the distance) But what about my endgame?

 

(smirk)

 

The End.

 

 


End file.
